If there’s one thing all runners excel at, it’s making rubbish excuses for poor performances.
We all know someone who talks the talk, but when trainer meets tarmac finds some reason they couldn’t run the run.
Here’s a list of some of the worst excuses or ridiculous things runners say (almost entirely based on me).
“I went the wrong way.”
Of course you were going to win but for the fact you – and only you – missed that turning.
Don’t let the fact you were doing a 400m race on an athletics track deter you, minor details. If you say it with enough conviction, everyone will believe you. Maybe. Well, it’s worth a try.
“I thought there was another lap / I didn’t know where the finish was.”
A great one when you’ve completely blown up and get passed near the finish. You were just saving your sprint for the imaginary next lap or couldn’t see the enormous, fluorescent 20ft finishing banner.
“Wrong shoes.”
Has there ever been the right shoes? They’re either too heavy, too flat, not flat enough, too grippy or not grippy enough. There’s a simple equation to explain this problem: n+1. N being the shoes you’re currently wearing, +1 being the pair you should have worn.
“Overtakes cost me a World Record.”
Strange how overtaking a few people seems to have cost you a minute each. Even stranger how easily the winner navigated stragglers two minutes faster than you. By this logic, everyone in front must have been Mo Farah.
“I’m tapering.”
There’s only so far you can stretch this one. A day, maybe a week out… But this one’s been trotted out weeks before events. We’re wise to your tricks.
“I don’t want to peak too soon.”
When things are getting a little too hard – the lactic burn is a bit too real – use this! You’re more than capable of staying with the front runners, but that would have meant pushing into zone 7 (insert any scientific sounding phrase to give this excuse more authority) and that’s not in the training programme. You don’t want to peak too soon.
“My toenail is too big.”
Yes, seriously. This was used to get out of the last rep of a cross country training session recently. Apparently, it had grown during the run and was now too painful to carry on. Top marks for inventiveness. Bonus points for then taking shoes and socks off to wave the offending stub around.
“I went too deep yesterday.”
And by ‘too deep’, you mean into the bottle of red you had last night. Yes, this is the only valid excuse on this list. It’s important to stay hydrated, after all!
“I’ve got a niggle.”
An old classic. The Swiss Army knife of excuses. Easy to over use. And make sure you remember which leg you’ve injured next time you’re trying to duck out of a tough session – you blamed the opposite one the day before.
Consistency is the secret to getting away with this one.
“It’s tempo day for me.”
Perfect example how you can baffle and bamboozle unsuspecting fellow runners with scientific-sounding training jargon. Let’s translate: tempo aka slow. And every day is tempo day. We’re on to you. The secret’s out.
“I should be in the Olympics… According to my treadmill.”
No, exploits on a treadmill do not equate to reality, no matter how much you want it.
Right, I’m off to come up with a few more excuses now I’ve exposed my best ones. Leave me a comment if you’ve heard any better ones.
